Reviewed by Michael Colin Barrows, Esq.
Parental alienation is inexcusable and can psychologically impact a child in a variety of ways. Parents should always do their best to remain civil and especially to never badmouth one another in front of their children. Trying to turn a child against the other parent is known as parental alienation. Read on and reach out to our experienced Long Island child custody lawyer to learn more about this behavior and how you can put an end to it. Here are some of the questions you may have:
What Does Parental Alienation Look Like?
As you may know, parental alienation can come in many forms, and it isn’t always obvious from the start. Regardless of what it looks like, however, it can still significantly and negatively impact a child and their relationship with their parent for years to come. In some cases, one parent will make backhanded comments about the other parent, and though on the surface they don’t seem like much, they add up and ultimately cause the child to even subconsciously form a negative opinion of the other parent. In other cases, instances of parental alienation are more robust and come in the form of one parent outright insulting and badmouthing the other parent, even lying to the child about the other parent so as to sabotage their relationship.
The behavior tends to take recognizable forms:
- Telling the child the other parent does not love them, or blames them for the divorce
- Manufacturing a sense that the child is unsafe or poorly cared for in the other parent’s home
- Instilling fear, distrust, or hostility toward the other parent
- Making the child feel guilty for enjoying their time with the other parent, or punishing them for it
- Obstructing calls, messages, and visits, or making the logistics deliberately difficult
It is important to understand that the courts treat this matter as a form of emotional harm to the child, rather than as an injury to the target parent. This is because the child is pushed into rejecting a parent whom they love, ultimately facilitating a conflict that was never theirs to begin with. This matters when you go to court, as the question is not if you have been wronged, but rather the best interests of the child.
Your Child Is Not the One at Fault
When your child has been alienated, it can be incredibly emotional and hurtful. However, when a child repeats what they have been told, refuses to enter your home, or treats you coldly, it is important not to take this matter personally.
Treating your child as if it is their fault will make the matter worse. Arguing with your child, interrogating them about what the other parent said, or withdrawing from the relationship will ultimately confirm what the other parent has been telling them. Instead, you should keep a calm, steady presence and continue to show up for the child when you are supposed to. This is worth more than conversations about who is telling the truth.
What Should I Do to Stop Parental Alienation?
Though parental alienation is downright wrong and extremely harmful, there are options on the table. First, it may be best to simply speak with the other parent, tell them you know what they’re doing, and ask that they stop for the sake of your child. Unfortunately, often, this is not enough. If you have already spoken with the other parent about his or her actions and they persist, you should consider speaking with an experienced Long Island family law attorney who can bring the alienation to the attention of the courts. Parental alienation is proven to harm a child in numerous ways, and our firm can work to attain a child custody modification on the grounds that your former spouse isn’t acting in your child’s best interests. Again, it’s always best to work things out with your ex before it gets to this point, but if that’s impossible for one reason or another, our firm is ready to help.
What a Court Will Want to See
Alienation is difficult to prove, and a parent who arrives with only their own account of what their child said generally cannot establish it. What carries weight is documentation created as events happened rather than assembled afterward:
- A dated log of denied, shortened, or obstructed parenting time, with what was said at the time
- Messages from the other parent in their own words
- Observations from people outside the family, such as teachers, coaches, counselors, or pediatricians who noticed a change
- A timeline showing when the child’s attitude shifted and what was happening then
- Records showing you kept showing up, even for the visits that did not happen
It is also important to understand the realistic remedies. A transfer of custody is generally the most serious response, and courts will only reserve that for extreme cases. Most commonly, however, the court will order reunification or therapeutic counseling, award make-up parenting time, or adjust the terms and conditions of the custody order. Alienating behavior is considered a factor when the courts analyze what is in the best interests of the child, rather than an automatic trigger.
You can find further information about the other factors considered when examining the best interests of the child in our guide.
Your Conduct Is Being Assessed Too
Willingness to support your child’s relationship with the child’s other parent is an explicit factor in custody considerations, and will apply to both parents. A targeted parent who responds by disparaging the other parent, refusing parenting time, or questioning them after every visit will hand the court a reason to cast doubt. The best course of action is to remain the parent whose conduct does not require an explanation.
Contact Our Experienced Nassau County Firm
Barrows Levy PLLC is a dedicated New York law firm focused on providing quality legal services to clients in New York City and Long Island. If you require a lawyer who has notable experience handling family and estate planning matters, Contact Barrows Levy PLLC to schedule a consultation with one of our experienced attorneys today.
